Monday, January 12, 2009

Anxiety

your blood rushes through your veins.
you can hear your pulse pounding in your ears.
sweat pours down your face in rivers,
and you continually wring your hands.
the room starts to spin—
a hectic, dizzying sight—
and you frantically search for the door.
as your anxiety attack reaches its acme,
you wonder if you’re ever going to survive.

An Answer

it was you – did you know that?
it was you who taught this long dead heart
how to open its wings and fly again…

i thought that life had no meaning
you walked through that door when
and pulled me back from madness’ brink

you showed me how to live again –
how to open up my soul –
how to work through my pain

with your wit and your style,
you healed the acidic hole
eaten through to my very core

with your cool intellect, charm,
and sly, off-hand witticisms,
you showed me how to laugh again

you burrowed your way into my mind
with your unguarded truths…
with those insightful observations

it was you, you know – you who came
into my life on that dark, lonely night…
you who held my hand and brought me through

and now – now that you’ve walked
through that door and healed my soul –
i pray to whatever deity is in the sky…

that you never leave.

Alone

alone
physically alone in this world –
frightened as to what tomorrow
may bring for an already
battered and bruise psyche.

alone
moving throughout my day,
from one place to the next –
numb, confused, aware but only just
of the comings and goings around me.

but wait!
what's this?

not alone
your voice is like watered silk
pouring over me, through me.
even though you aren’t there,
i can feel you near.

not alone
your hand clasps mine protectively,
never moving while i deal with
the difficulties, the heartache –
a warmth that guides me on.

so how can that be?
alone, but not alone?

‘though separated by the miles
of rolling highway – each longer
than the one before with its own
story or legend to brag about –
you’re with me

‘though only able to say good night
on a telephone or computer –
cold plastic only warmed by the touch
of electricity or my own hand –
you’re with me

when the nights are long
and my imagination is playing tricks –
making me see shadows as viscous
as half-set strawberry gelatin –
you’re with me

so now the daunting task of
conquering those miles of highway
lies ahead of us – looming large
on a fiery sunset horizon –
unfolding the rest of our tale.

The Soundtrack of Your Life... Part 1

Music is an integral part of my life... of my work... of my soul and passion. Without music, I would not be able to get through even the simplest tasks of the day - and that includes my writing. In fact, odd as it may seem, I am often times struck with fabulous inspiration by listening to a slow, sappy love song. Inspiration for what? Why, for murder, of course.

Music is such a part of me that I took the time to think about what, if any songs, would be listed on the (2 disc) soundtrack to my life. This is the first half of that list:

Track 1: Barry Manilow's Can't Smile Without You
Reason Why: Okay, I admit it - I am a Fanilow. Yes, his songs are often best termed bubble gum pop, but there is no denying that Barry Manilow has changed the face of music - both contemporary and in the world of television jingles - forever more. Not only that, but who doesn't know some of the words to at least ONE Barry Manilow hit (~~At the Copa... Copacabana~~)? Can't Smile Without You is one of the very first 45s I ever owned - and it was at the tender age of 5, I do believe. The melody of the song and the simple emotion expressed by this song always can make me smile.


Track 2: Tim McGraw's Live Like You Were Dying
Reason Why: The title of the song says it all, Live Like You Were Dying. There is far too much time we spend doing things that, in the grand scheme of it all, do not matter one bit. Who, years from now, is going to remember that you worked all those unnecessary hours on projects no one cares about? The only thing that will be remembered is your absence from the lives of those you love. Instead, you should embrace today for what it is - one more day to live life to its fullest - and spend the hours as if they were your last on this earth.


Track 3: Alan Parsons Project's Oh Life (There Must Be More)
Reason Why: So why would such a sad song about a woman wondering out into the water to drown herself, make the list of tracks on the soundtrack of my life? It's there simply as a reminder - a reminder of those nights spent, drowning in my own sorrow and thinking that this was the end of something. Oh Life (There Must Be More) is one of those songs that expresses the sheer hell of a terminal case of loneliness and neglect better than any other song out there. The way the music ebbs and flows with the poignancy of the lyrics emphasizes the complete despair the woman feels... and it is a great reminder that, no matter how bleak the situation, there is more to life than what you can see.


Track 4: John Mayer's 3X5
Reason Why: This song is probably the song that made me fall in love with John Mayer's music. Sure, I heard No Such Thing on the radio and loved the song itself, but 3X5 is such a great song with such true lyrics. Why spend your life looking at what you experience as if through the filtering lens of a camera? You cannot fully savor the best of what is being offered to you. You need to put aside that lens and just experience life - experience that which surrounds you and you've always been too busy to take full notice of.


Track 5: Winger's Headed For A Heart Break
Reason Why: This song is here as a reminder of things that were fantastic but were never meant to be. It is now and forever a memory of early teenage years and a first love... of summers spent in the sun and nights spent on the phone, experiencing what it was like to truly get to know someone beyond the surface of their facade.


Track 6: B.J. Thomas's Rock And Roll Lullaby
Reason Why: Ah, the pure joy and innocence of the young! This song is not on my list because of the song itself (although it does seem to be the one and only BJ Thomas song I can stomach for more than 45 seconds). This song is a reminder of times when people were not so guarded - were not so afraid to express their emotions freely and without reserve. This song has assumed its place in the soundtrack of my life for one reason - I can remember my dad holding me when I was a toddler, dancing, and singing to this song. It still brings a tear to my eye because of that reason.


Track 7: The Beatles' With A Little Help From My Friends
Reason Why: No one gets through life without help from your friends. That's why this song has earned a place in the soundtrack of my life.


Track 8: Sting's Brand New Day
Reason Why: The sentiment of this song is a great one - no matter how hurt you feel right now, tomorrow is a brand new day. It's a great thing to remember and to live by.


Track 9: Billy Joel's You're Only Human (Second Wind)
Reason Why: This is my favorite Billy Joel song of all time - and the lyrics say it all. ~~You're only human - you're allowed to make your share of mistakes~~ No one is perfect - and you shouldn't expect to be. Allow yourself to be human and enjoy life.


Track 10: Chris Botti's Midnight Without You
Reason Why: This song is a sentimental favorite. Beautiful music, beautiful lyrics... and a heartbreakingly true message.


Track 11: Jackson Browne & Clarence Clemmon's You're A Friend Of Mine
Reason Why: How many friends have come and go in your life that you can fondly look back and say, "Oh yeah! I can remember doing that with so-and-so... and it was a blast!!" This song is in the soundtrack of my life to remind me of all the great people I've met throughout my life - and the wonderful experience it was to know them.


Track 12: Reunion's Life Is A Rock (But The Radio Rolled Me)
Reason Why: Music, music, music! It's such a major part of my life, a song about music's history from about the 60s on would need to be included in the soundtrack of my life, doncha think?


Track 13: Dan Hill's Sometimes When We Touch
Reason Why: This song may not be a pulitzer prize winning ballad, but who says our favorites need to be? This song is included because it is one of my all-time favorite love songs (and believe me, I listen to enough of them). A song about a man who wants to love the woman he is with but can't quite find it in him to love her like she wants him to, this song can rip me apart and build me back up in the same breath. Plus, one of my all time favorite lyrics is in this song... I'm just another writer, still trapped within my truth.


Track 14: Dave Koz's You Make Me Smile
Reason Why: This one just has great music and is something guaranteed to put a smile on my face whenever I listen to it. No lyrics to inspire, but the music itself is beautiful.


Track 15: Elton John's Tiny Dancer
Reason Why: My all time favorite Elton John song. A sentimental edition, I have to turn this song up loud every time it comes on.


Track 16: Queen's The Show Must Go On
Reason Why: Queen is probably my all time favorite band, if someone were to ever force me to choose one. And this song - written by Freddie Mercury near the end of his battle with AIDS - is as true now as it was when he wrote it. No matter what happens to you in life, as long as you and the people who love you still live, the show MUST go on.


Track 17: Gavin DeGraw's I Don't Want To Be
Reason Why: There are people in this life that will try to force you into one category or another. They'll try to tell you who you are, what you are, and what you should do with your life... your experience... your chances. This song is a reminder that no one has the right to tell you who you are - your only responsibility is to be yourself each and every day.


Track 18: John Mayer's Love Song For No One
Reason Why: Love Song For No One is here because it's a great reminder that no matter how alone you feel, there is someone out there. You never know who it could be, how you will meet that person, or if you already know them in some fashion - there is someone out there searching for you while you're looking for them. ~~I could have met you in the sandbox. I could have passed you on the sidewalk~~


Track 19: Les Miserables' On My Own
Reason Why: On My Own is so gorgeous, so poignant, so heartbreaking. This song about unrequited love speaks to the heart of anyone who has had feelings for someone that were not returned. No matter my mood, my outlook, and who I'm with - this song will reduce me to tears each and every time.


Track 20: Les Miserables' A Little Fall Of Rain
Reason Why: We've all lost people in our lives... people we never realized were there for us until it was too late. A Little Fall of Rain is a song about that very subject. A man realizes, as a girl is dying after taking a bullet meant for him, that she has been instrumental in his life - as a friend and as someone he trusts completely. This song is a reminder to remember those people who have been instrumental in making you the person you are today.


Track 21: Meredith Brooks' Bitch
Reason Why: The word "bitch" has so many connotations - both good and bad. This song actually deals with the how a woman termed as a "bitch" can be so many things - and to the same person. When it came out, my "big bro" told me, "I heard your theme song on the radio the other day," and it's been a personal favorite of mine since I tracked it down and heard it.


Track 22: Nik Kershaw's Wouldn't It Be Good
Reason Why: Who hasn't lamented, "Oh, wouldn't it be so much better to be richer/thinner/more successful/famous/etc?" We have all had those moments where we thought, "If I was thinner, life would be better," or "If I was famous, I would be okay." This song addresses the "grass is always greener" outlook of life - and how what you think would make you happy often wouldn't.


Track 23: Rascal Flatts' Fast Cars and Freedom
Reason Why: This is a love song - plain and simple. But it's a song about remembering what drew you to that person you love in the first place. It's got a great message (and the song ain't bad either ;D)


Track 24: Jason Mraz's Beauty In Ugly
Reason Why: There is beauty in all things around you - from the snail crawling across a path in the forest to the actor or actress you daydream about as you watch them on the big screen. It's quite often the everyday things that are the most beautiful to us without our realizing. This song is a great reminder to look for the beauty in everything around you - even in yourself.


Track 25: Supertramp's The Logical Song
Reason Why: Not every thing goes as planned - there are days that life seems like it's at its most complicated and confusing. This song is reminder that everyone has those days - that there are times we all feel like the world is spinning out of control and would like someone to explain to us what is happening.


So there it is, the first half of the soundtrack of my life. The second half should be coming some time very soon.

Inspiration Revisited

I've talked about inspiration before. What inspires you; from where you draw inspiration. I've yet to ask WHO inspires you. If you could pick a list of people you'd like to meet - and why - who would those people be? I've spent a lot of time thinking about this very question... and I think I've come up with some interesting people I'd love to meet and talk to for just a while.

Stephen King - a lot of people may not like his books, but he's a powerful writer - able to captivate his audience and keep them on the edge of their seats until the very last word... and then leaves them wanting more. I would love to have the opportunity to sit down and talk about writing with him.

Tim Curry - he is a master entertainer who has done it all - television, movies, Broadway and London stage, and recording artist. Every project in which he is involved, he brings his vast experience to but always seems to bring something new to it as well. I would love to discuss his inspirations and how he decides which projects he wants to be involved with.

John Douglas - this man spent years working with the FBI... he was the original criminal profiler. He spend most of his career helping to paint a clearer picture of who the criminal was so that the person may be found quicker. I would love to talk to him about how he got interested in that line of work, what the motivation was to keep him going even after the sickest of serial killers, and how it felt transitioning to civilian life once he retired.

Alan Parsons - his ability to look at a piece of music or a band and find ways to make it/them more appealing to an audience has always struck me. I've been a fan of his music since I was little - grew up listening to it all the time because of my mother. And the work he did with bands like Pink Floyd is amazing.

Robin Williams - I would love to just sit down and talk with him about his view of the world. Everyone's view of the world is different because of our experiences - and Robin Williams definitely has a very unique view of the way things are.

Billy Connolly - I'd love to talk to him for the same reason as above with Robin Williams. He's a funny comedian who can mold himself into whatever part he's playing if on television or in a movie.

Quincy Jones - after being such a major influence with a lot of today's popular music, I would love to talk to him about his views of today's music.

Sigmund Freud - if it were possible to speak with him without the need of a seance or ouija board, I think it would be fascinating to sit down and pick the mind of the "Father of Modern Psychology".

Vincent Van Gogh - again, if I didn't need a seance or a ouija board, I would love to talk to him about his inspiration for his art and what it was like as he spiraled downwards into madness, leading him to eventually take his own life.

Every single songwriter in history whose music I enjoy - as a writer, I know inspirations can come from the strangest of places. And I would love to know where their inspirations are drawn from. Sometimes, it's evident - but a lot of the time, it's not.

These are just a few of the people I would love to take some time to talk to. There is so much you can learn about where others derive their inspiration - so much you can understand about their work, their soul... their passion.