Freefall

my heart plunges out of control
in a spiraling freefall,
rushing faster and faster
towards a tomblike doom.
while in your arms,
i soared on angelic wings--
floating on the cotton candy clouds.
now that we're apart,
i welcome the parachuteless fall from grace
and gratefully embrace the numbness
of an eternity in a loveless void.

The First Realization of Love

water rippled like quicksilver,
molten and gleaming in the moonlight.
he stood against the railing,
her face –
a face all at once the plainest
yet also the most beautiful –
dancing on the waves before his gaze.

night collected around him
like a black flame coming on
a warm, flower-scented breeze.
the shadows were viscous –
seemingly thick enough to touch –
as they clung to him like the
perfumed kisses sent on a whisper.

he loved her –
just uttering that emotion aloud,
he savoured the word –
letting it slowly melt
like the innocent sweetness of
a first taste of sugar,
coating the surface of your tongue.

he could hear it in the beating waves –
the wind whispered it as it blew
promises of tomorrow into his ear,
and when the rain fell,
it was tears of happiness
washing away the broken pieces of
yesterday’s dreary life.

Falling In Love

phenylethylamine, dopamine, norepinephrine –
an ingredient list with which everyone has been familiar …
the chemicals making you feel “in love”

these chemicals – harmless enough considered alone –
fester forever in some nook or cranny of the human psyche
just waiting to bleed again when the proper stimulus strikes

someone’s direct eye contact triggers a primitive part –
a primitive forgotten piece of the normal human brain –
calling forth one of two reactions – approach or retreat

eyes flutter up to an unknown face, like butterflies
returning to the warm, golden sunshine after a rainstorm –
unsettling, primal, sexy… eyes stuck to the man with warm taffy

the visual voyage stays emblazoned in your memory forever…
your heart speeds leaving you in a delirious drowning –
your throat dries as dragons devour your devotion

your consciousness comes together and comes apart –
and then comes together again in pulses and patterns,
like standing in the desert sun and feeling you’re in shade

you approach, your confidence shattering around like
the dry crackling of a winter cold windshield as it
warms and cools – then warms again

your conversation with him is like making love,
a microwomb of emotional propinquity surrounding you
as you ignore the sulky mockeries of crucified smiles

Falling (A Cinquain)

falling
in passion’s arms
without a net to catch
my warm heart as i fall deeper
in love.

falling
into love’s gaze
as he embraces my heart
with the purity and depth of
his soul.

falling
deeper into
a place i promised i'd
never fall into again in
my life.

falling
from the heights of
sensibility down
into the depths of love’s tender
mercies.

Dreams At Dawn

amber, crimson, and violet streak across the sky –
prismatic hues to dance before my eyes
dawn’s pale horse has ridden in to
light the edges of the day

i shrink back from the light of day –
light that burns to the touch –
wishing, willing myself again towards
the comforting embrace of sleep

‘tho’ just a dream, it felt so real –
the touch of your hand,
the scent of your skin,
the feel of your body next to mine

i groan and stretch and sigh inside,
hoping it will lessen the desperate
ache hollowing out a notch
in the depths of my heart

cursing daylight’s cruel invasion,
i remind myself that ‘tis just another day –
another day that brings us one more closer
to the realization of a dream.

Disjointed

disjointed thoughts and
inane ramblings are all
that protect my wounded heart
i live in fear that someday –
someday very soon –
the knife will plunge,
plunge so deep and carve
out the last piece left whole

disjointed thoughts and
inane ramblings are all
that quell the torment
in the light of day –
those awful wounds that
hide in day’s presence…
those awful words and deeds
that would bring you to your knees

disjointed thoughts and
inane ramblings are what
bring me to my knees by
the light of the moon –
those wounds exposed,
open, raw, and painful…
those wounds that bring
the walls crashing down

disjointed thoughts and
inane ramblings – you’ve
been here before…
been here as you held that blade
over your wrist and prayed
for sweet mercy from the
pain and cries echoing
out from your heart


disjointed thoughts and
inane ramblings – they’ve
whispered in your ear
more times than not…
whispered as you lay there,
unable to awaken,
reliving it over and over –
wanting to die.

disjointed thoughts and
inane ramblings – your friend?
or are they your enemy?
able to protect you from your past
while bringing up every wounds,
those thoughts and ramblings
are all that surround you
in the depths of night.

Disgrace

slapping, shoving, punching –
that’s all we have left
the screaming, yelling –
we’ve forgotten how to talk

you never believed in me –
not once in all these years –
i was just your disgrace to
hide in a closet

we fight, we argue –
it never ends –
and you wonder where that
look of fear came from

you never believed –
not when he hurt me, not
when i almost died –
i was just your disgrace

you point, you accuse –
you never comfort –
a hug is something held for
only those you love

once you said your biggest mistake
was bringing a daughter into the world –
while i cowered in the corner,
my soul ripped from my body

so now we’re here –
estranged with no way back –
and you cry and accuse,
telling me it’s all my fault

the yelling, the fighting –
it’s all we have left –
because i was just the disgrace
you wanted hidden forever

Desperation

summer people—
that’s what town folk
called them.
she reflected upon this
as she sat upon her
king-sized bed,
handcuffed to the headboard.
what had started out
as a bit of a playful romp with
her husband of 22 years
had turned into a nightmare.
some petty thief had broken into
their summer home and
killed her husband.
the thief had then
secured her to the posts.
now, she sat
lonely…
cold…
desperate…
listening to a dog
howl across the lake
and wondering if
anyone would ever find her.

Despair

the walls were closing in on her.
one more wrong and
her world would go black.
it was hard to swallow,
and she couldn’t think straight.
what had happened,
she wondered.
what had gone wrong?
trying hard to
ignore the racing of
her heart
and the pounding in her head,
she tried to put an end to
these feelings of
utter despair.

Daybreak

he watched the pale threads of
dawn’s first light spread throughout
the still of the small room.
he reveled in the sound of
her rhythmic, even breathing and
inhaled deeply of the fresh scent
which naturally emanated from her.
he loved the way that the pale
pinks and oranges of sunrise
gave her skin an ethereal glow.
he checked the clock—
it read 5 a.m.—
and he decided to let her sleep
a while longer,
so he could just watch her beauty.
when you’re in bed with someone you love,
he thought,
especially for the first time,
it seems so holy…
so blessed…
so perfectly right.

Cool, Quiet Dark

tic, tic, tic – a lone clock signals
time’s slow passage towards eternity
tap tap tap – the cold rain pours
down upon a weathered roof
eerily, slowly the chill seeps into
the corners of my room

the quiet dark surrounds me like
a cool glove wrapped around my senses
a peace enters my heart and
for the first time my head is clear
a mysticism too old for my youth
fills my soul and calls to me

in a quiet dark that most would shun
i embrace it… embrace it for the
spiritual renewal it brings to a
chaotic soul who yearned for the
peace that only finding a rarity –
a true mate – could bring

still, i sit in the cool, quiet dark –
sit and imagine the life that will be
a life of peace, harmony, and love…
a contentment found by few
a time in which the heart and mind speak
as one in cadence with the soul

i muse about a world in which one’s
thoughts and feelings are precious –
more precious than gold, silver, or jewels –
where finding someone to listen
is not an unobtainable goal but is
already within my grasp.

i sit in this cool, quiet dark –
my heart and mind full of peace –
and i patiently wait…
wait for the time when i am no longer
alone in the dark but
alone with you.

Broken Window

images rushing, whirling, out of control -
overwhelmed, my senses go insane.
the wind and rain driving hard and fast –
crescendo in their own symphonic tempest;
the trees groaning, cracking, straining
under the weight of mother nature's fury.
soil and rain colliding together, assaulting
my nose with the purest, sweetest, cologne.

i sit at my broken window,
watching the storm play around me
as a child with a new toy

a thunder clap commands my attention
and i look out into this raging storm,
not knowing what i expect to see
but knowing that i must look -
that i must see what nature's fury
has wrought just for me

sitting still at that broken window
while the storm beats an angry drum
in this outdoor symphony

leaves fall in colors too many to name –
fall to their final resting place amid
long, brown stalks that once housed
beautiful flowers twisting in the gale
and fireweed, still pink `tho’ blooms are gone,
delicately creeps closer to winter

using that broken window
as my portal to the world, waiting
to enter the untamed savagery

through the hissing rain and swirling leaves
a ghostly face is visible in the torrents -
a beautiful face not there in reality…
only existing in the depths of my heart,
my mind, and painted upon my soul –
the perfect face of my soul mate

as i sit at that broken window,
waiting for you to come join me
as i am playing in the rain

Biting Back The Words

i sit here, listening to your voice,
and there’s so much i want to say –
some many words spring to mind
of what you mean to me –

but no, my head cries out –
don’t be a fool… don’t say those
words, don’t change a thing…
remember our golden rule

for every time you’ve said those words,
another piece you did lose…
for every chance you took on life,
another day did your soul die…

so i sit here, listening to your voice,
and there’s so much more i want to say –
so many words my soul would will;
ones my head would silence permanently

remember, my senses say,
of the ones you’ve spoken up to –
remember how they used those words
to break you into someone you never knew

remember, the brain shouts aloud,
remember all the strife –
remember all the fights and meaningless…
remember that part of your life?

so i sit here, listening to your voice,
and there’s so much more i want to say…
emotions i feel down to my depths -
ones mere words could never dignify

i sit here, listening to your voice,
pondering all the things i'd love to say –
and my soul cries out, “if you don’t,
you’ll never know if he’s just listening, too.”

Anxiety

your blood rushes through your veins.
you can hear your pulse pounding in your ears.
sweat pours down your face in rivers,
and you continually wring your hands.
the room starts to spin—
a hectic, dizzying sight—
and you frantically search for the door.
as your anxiety attack reaches its acme,
you wonder if you’re ever going to survive.

An Answer

it was you – did you know that?
it was you who taught this long dead heart
how to open its wings and fly again…

i thought that life had no meaning
you walked through that door when
and pulled me back from madness’ brink

you showed me how to live again –
how to open up my soul –
how to work through my pain

with your wit and your style,
you healed the acidic hole
eaten through to my very core

with your cool intellect, charm,
and sly, off-hand witticisms,
you showed me how to laugh again

you burrowed your way into my mind
with your unguarded truths…
with those insightful observations

it was you, you know – you who came
into my life on that dark, lonely night…
you who held my hand and brought me through

and now – now that you’ve walked
through that door and healed my soul –
i pray to whatever deity is in the sky…

that you never leave.

Alone

alone
physically alone in this world –
frightened as to what tomorrow
may bring for an already
battered and bruise psyche.

alone
moving throughout my day,
from one place to the next –
numb, confused, aware but only just
of the comings and goings around me.

but wait!
what's this?

not alone
your voice is like watered silk
pouring over me, through me.
even though you aren’t there,
i can feel you near.

not alone
your hand clasps mine protectively,
never moving while i deal with
the difficulties, the heartache –
a warmth that guides me on.

so how can that be?
alone, but not alone?

‘though separated by the miles
of rolling highway – each longer
than the one before with its own
story or legend to brag about –
you’re with me

‘though only able to say good night
on a telephone or computer –
cold plastic only warmed by the touch
of electricity or my own hand –
you’re with me

when the nights are long
and my imagination is playing tricks –
making me see shadows as viscous
as half-set strawberry gelatin –
you’re with me

so now the daunting task of
conquering those miles of highway
lies ahead of us – looming large
on a fiery sunset horizon –
unfolding the rest of our tale.

The Soundtrack of Your Life... Part 1

Music is an integral part of my life... of my work... of my soul and passion. Without music, I would not be able to get through even the simplest tasks of the day - and that includes my writing. In fact, odd as it may seem, I am often times struck with fabulous inspiration by listening to a slow, sappy love song. Inspiration for what? Why, for murder, of course.

Music is such a part of me that I took the time to think about what, if any songs, would be listed on the (2 disc) soundtrack to my life. This is the first half of that list:

Track 1: Barry Manilow's Can't Smile Without You
Reason Why: Okay, I admit it - I am a Fanilow. Yes, his songs are often best termed bubble gum pop, but there is no denying that Barry Manilow has changed the face of music - both contemporary and in the world of television jingles - forever more. Not only that, but who doesn't know some of the words to at least ONE Barry Manilow hit (~~At the Copa... Copacabana~~)? Can't Smile Without You is one of the very first 45s I ever owned - and it was at the tender age of 5, I do believe. The melody of the song and the simple emotion expressed by this song always can make me smile.


Track 2: Tim McGraw's Live Like You Were Dying
Reason Why: The title of the song says it all, Live Like You Were Dying. There is far too much time we spend doing things that, in the grand scheme of it all, do not matter one bit. Who, years from now, is going to remember that you worked all those unnecessary hours on projects no one cares about? The only thing that will be remembered is your absence from the lives of those you love. Instead, you should embrace today for what it is - one more day to live life to its fullest - and spend the hours as if they were your last on this earth.


Track 3: Alan Parsons Project's Oh Life (There Must Be More)
Reason Why: So why would such a sad song about a woman wondering out into the water to drown herself, make the list of tracks on the soundtrack of my life? It's there simply as a reminder - a reminder of those nights spent, drowning in my own sorrow and thinking that this was the end of something. Oh Life (There Must Be More) is one of those songs that expresses the sheer hell of a terminal case of loneliness and neglect better than any other song out there. The way the music ebbs and flows with the poignancy of the lyrics emphasizes the complete despair the woman feels... and it is a great reminder that, no matter how bleak the situation, there is more to life than what you can see.


Track 4: John Mayer's 3X5
Reason Why: This song is probably the song that made me fall in love with John Mayer's music. Sure, I heard No Such Thing on the radio and loved the song itself, but 3X5 is such a great song with such true lyrics. Why spend your life looking at what you experience as if through the filtering lens of a camera? You cannot fully savor the best of what is being offered to you. You need to put aside that lens and just experience life - experience that which surrounds you and you've always been too busy to take full notice of.


Track 5: Winger's Headed For A Heart Break
Reason Why: This song is here as a reminder of things that were fantastic but were never meant to be. It is now and forever a memory of early teenage years and a first love... of summers spent in the sun and nights spent on the phone, experiencing what it was like to truly get to know someone beyond the surface of their facade.


Track 6: B.J. Thomas's Rock And Roll Lullaby
Reason Why: Ah, the pure joy and innocence of the young! This song is not on my list because of the song itself (although it does seem to be the one and only BJ Thomas song I can stomach for more than 45 seconds). This song is a reminder of times when people were not so guarded - were not so afraid to express their emotions freely and without reserve. This song has assumed its place in the soundtrack of my life for one reason - I can remember my dad holding me when I was a toddler, dancing, and singing to this song. It still brings a tear to my eye because of that reason.


Track 7: The Beatles' With A Little Help From My Friends
Reason Why: No one gets through life without help from your friends. That's why this song has earned a place in the soundtrack of my life.


Track 8: Sting's Brand New Day
Reason Why: The sentiment of this song is a great one - no matter how hurt you feel right now, tomorrow is a brand new day. It's a great thing to remember and to live by.


Track 9: Billy Joel's You're Only Human (Second Wind)
Reason Why: This is my favorite Billy Joel song of all time - and the lyrics say it all. ~~You're only human - you're allowed to make your share of mistakes~~ No one is perfect - and you shouldn't expect to be. Allow yourself to be human and enjoy life.


Track 10: Chris Botti's Midnight Without You
Reason Why: This song is a sentimental favorite. Beautiful music, beautiful lyrics... and a heartbreakingly true message.


Track 11: Jackson Browne & Clarence Clemmon's You're A Friend Of Mine
Reason Why: How many friends have come and go in your life that you can fondly look back and say, "Oh yeah! I can remember doing that with so-and-so... and it was a blast!!" This song is in the soundtrack of my life to remind me of all the great people I've met throughout my life - and the wonderful experience it was to know them.


Track 12: Reunion's Life Is A Rock (But The Radio Rolled Me)
Reason Why: Music, music, music! It's such a major part of my life, a song about music's history from about the 60s on would need to be included in the soundtrack of my life, doncha think?


Track 13: Dan Hill's Sometimes When We Touch
Reason Why: This song may not be a pulitzer prize winning ballad, but who says our favorites need to be? This song is included because it is one of my all-time favorite love songs (and believe me, I listen to enough of them). A song about a man who wants to love the woman he is with but can't quite find it in him to love her like she wants him to, this song can rip me apart and build me back up in the same breath. Plus, one of my all time favorite lyrics is in this song... I'm just another writer, still trapped within my truth.


Track 14: Dave Koz's You Make Me Smile
Reason Why: This one just has great music and is something guaranteed to put a smile on my face whenever I listen to it. No lyrics to inspire, but the music itself is beautiful.


Track 15: Elton John's Tiny Dancer
Reason Why: My all time favorite Elton John song. A sentimental edition, I have to turn this song up loud every time it comes on.


Track 16: Queen's The Show Must Go On
Reason Why: Queen is probably my all time favorite band, if someone were to ever force me to choose one. And this song - written by Freddie Mercury near the end of his battle with AIDS - is as true now as it was when he wrote it. No matter what happens to you in life, as long as you and the people who love you still live, the show MUST go on.


Track 17: Gavin DeGraw's I Don't Want To Be
Reason Why: There are people in this life that will try to force you into one category or another. They'll try to tell you who you are, what you are, and what you should do with your life... your experience... your chances. This song is a reminder that no one has the right to tell you who you are - your only responsibility is to be yourself each and every day.


Track 18: John Mayer's Love Song For No One
Reason Why: Love Song For No One is here because it's a great reminder that no matter how alone you feel, there is someone out there. You never know who it could be, how you will meet that person, or if you already know them in some fashion - there is someone out there searching for you while you're looking for them. ~~I could have met you in the sandbox. I could have passed you on the sidewalk~~


Track 19: Les Miserables' On My Own
Reason Why: On My Own is so gorgeous, so poignant, so heartbreaking. This song about unrequited love speaks to the heart of anyone who has had feelings for someone that were not returned. No matter my mood, my outlook, and who I'm with - this song will reduce me to tears each and every time.


Track 20: Les Miserables' A Little Fall Of Rain
Reason Why: We've all lost people in our lives... people we never realized were there for us until it was too late. A Little Fall of Rain is a song about that very subject. A man realizes, as a girl is dying after taking a bullet meant for him, that she has been instrumental in his life - as a friend and as someone he trusts completely. This song is a reminder to remember those people who have been instrumental in making you the person you are today.


Track 21: Meredith Brooks' Bitch
Reason Why: The word "bitch" has so many connotations - both good and bad. This song actually deals with the how a woman termed as a "bitch" can be so many things - and to the same person. When it came out, my "big bro" told me, "I heard your theme song on the radio the other day," and it's been a personal favorite of mine since I tracked it down and heard it.


Track 22: Nik Kershaw's Wouldn't It Be Good
Reason Why: Who hasn't lamented, "Oh, wouldn't it be so much better to be richer/thinner/more successful/famous/etc?" We have all had those moments where we thought, "If I was thinner, life would be better," or "If I was famous, I would be okay." This song addresses the "grass is always greener" outlook of life - and how what you think would make you happy often wouldn't.


Track 23: Rascal Flatts' Fast Cars and Freedom
Reason Why: This is a love song - plain and simple. But it's a song about remembering what drew you to that person you love in the first place. It's got a great message (and the song ain't bad either ;D)


Track 24: Jason Mraz's Beauty In Ugly
Reason Why: There is beauty in all things around you - from the snail crawling across a path in the forest to the actor or actress you daydream about as you watch them on the big screen. It's quite often the everyday things that are the most beautiful to us without our realizing. This song is a great reminder to look for the beauty in everything around you - even in yourself.


Track 25: Supertramp's The Logical Song
Reason Why: Not every thing goes as planned - there are days that life seems like it's at its most complicated and confusing. This song is reminder that everyone has those days - that there are times we all feel like the world is spinning out of control and would like someone to explain to us what is happening.


So there it is, the first half of the soundtrack of my life. The second half should be coming some time very soon.

Inspiration Revisited

I've talked about inspiration before. What inspires you; from where you draw inspiration. I've yet to ask WHO inspires you. If you could pick a list of people you'd like to meet - and why - who would those people be? I've spent a lot of time thinking about this very question... and I think I've come up with some interesting people I'd love to meet and talk to for just a while.

Stephen King - a lot of people may not like his books, but he's a powerful writer - able to captivate his audience and keep them on the edge of their seats until the very last word... and then leaves them wanting more. I would love to have the opportunity to sit down and talk about writing with him.

Tim Curry - he is a master entertainer who has done it all - television, movies, Broadway and London stage, and recording artist. Every project in which he is involved, he brings his vast experience to but always seems to bring something new to it as well. I would love to discuss his inspirations and how he decides which projects he wants to be involved with.

John Douglas - this man spent years working with the FBI... he was the original criminal profiler. He spend most of his career helping to paint a clearer picture of who the criminal was so that the person may be found quicker. I would love to talk to him about how he got interested in that line of work, what the motivation was to keep him going even after the sickest of serial killers, and how it felt transitioning to civilian life once he retired.

Alan Parsons - his ability to look at a piece of music or a band and find ways to make it/them more appealing to an audience has always struck me. I've been a fan of his music since I was little - grew up listening to it all the time because of my mother. And the work he did with bands like Pink Floyd is amazing.

Robin Williams - I would love to just sit down and talk with him about his view of the world. Everyone's view of the world is different because of our experiences - and Robin Williams definitely has a very unique view of the way things are.

Billy Connolly - I'd love to talk to him for the same reason as above with Robin Williams. He's a funny comedian who can mold himself into whatever part he's playing if on television or in a movie.

Quincy Jones - after being such a major influence with a lot of today's popular music, I would love to talk to him about his views of today's music.

Sigmund Freud - if it were possible to speak with him without the need of a seance or ouija board, I think it would be fascinating to sit down and pick the mind of the "Father of Modern Psychology".

Vincent Van Gogh - again, if I didn't need a seance or a ouija board, I would love to talk to him about his inspiration for his art and what it was like as he spiraled downwards into madness, leading him to eventually take his own life.

Every single songwriter in history whose music I enjoy - as a writer, I know inspirations can come from the strangest of places. And I would love to know where their inspirations are drawn from. Sometimes, it's evident - but a lot of the time, it's not.

These are just a few of the people I would love to take some time to talk to. There is so much you can learn about where others derive their inspiration - so much you can understand about their work, their soul... their passion.